my strength

Yesterday, a friend in a facebook group posted of her newest nephew, Sawyer, being admitted to the hospital at just 12 days old because he had stopped breathing. Over the last day this little guy has been on my heart. As my friend shared her own struggles of visiting her nephew and sister in the hospital, it flooded me with so many of the feelings we felt a little over 3 months ago. A moment of when your world comes crashing, and the unknown journey. My heart cried out. 

"Praying. Know that infants are resilient. God has a plan. I'm trusting God with my child. Our life crashed 3 months ago when our then 4 year old was diagnosed with brain cancer. In 72 hours time, he went from going to preschool to having a 10 hour brain surgery and being told he has cancer. God is good. And he may not answer the way we want. But God will NOT fail me or your family. I saved this picture two days before my world crashed. It hit me for whatever reason and saved it. Two days later it's the only thing I could picture in my mind. God prepared me. Even now, every time I'm struggling this image flashes in my mind. And I turn to God. I, more than most, understand watching a child when all hope is gone. Sammy's heart rate hit well over 200 one day in PICU. We thought that was it. He wasn't going to survive and we'd have to say goodbye. But he's fighting. We still don't know our story's final page. And it may end in a way we don't want. But God is good and will heal our child in the end. He will be healed in this body or in the next. But God will heal him. And he will heal me and my spouse just the same. My heart breaks for your family, the same it breaks for mine. I pray for strength. For faith. For healing. For comfort. For grace. For peace. And those WILL be answered. But remember, just like for our family, it might not be the way we want. God does do miracles. And God absolutely CAN. He is 100% carrying me from one minute into the next. I'm weak. He is my voice, my strength. That is my prayer."

I am told often how strong I am. I am NOT strong. I am very weak. I joked before this journey began that I was "sawdust held together with duct tape," as I struggled with Charles being away with the Air Force and me struggling to do it all on my own. Barely holding it all together. God is certainly my strength. I definitely am not always all put together. I have my moments, where I do just crumble and breakdown. But even in those moments God picks me up, dusts me off and carries me in his arms through the next moment.

PRAY for Sawyer, his mom, dad, and extended family in their journey ahead. PRAY for healing, that Sammy continues to awe us in his recovery from posterior fossa syndrome. PRAY for healing to his speech, that he finds his voice and can form the words he is desperately trying to say. PRAY for his mobility, that each body part functions the way he wishes. PRAY for his appetite, that he is hungry and excited to orally eat foods each day, as he relearns how to swallow and eat. PRAY Sammy stays healthy over the next week before starting the next round of chemotherapy. PRAY for Charles and I, and our marriage. PRAY for our family to feel rejuvenated each new morning. PRAY for restful nights. PRAY for Logan as he is struggling with our "new" normal. PRAY for Logan to be able to have peaceful sleep each night, as seems to be struggling with nightmares/night terrors. PRAY for Logan's health as he has an ear infection. PRAY for the wisdom of how to parent in the tough moments in both our children's lives, that we know when to be firm and when to give grace. PRAISE for Sammy's progress in recovery, as he is now eating solid foods a few bites at a time. And he is fighting to sit himself up and hold himself in up siting. PRAISE that we are hearing our son's voice again, that he is able to vocalize some words once again. PRAISE that he is making amazing progress with his fine motor skills. PRAISE for the abundant blessing of our needs always being provided and preparing us for the journey ahead.