I am not strong, strength finds me

For several years now, I feel I have been living a lie of who I am. Of how you see me. So often, I have heard the words, “You are so strong. I could never have the strength to live through what you have lived and still be standing. To have my child battle cancer. To have my child die. It is unimaginable, unfathomable. You are so strong. I could never have your strength. I could never.”

Truth is I am so weak. I am so very weak. I am far from the "strong mom" that I have been declared. That you believe you see. I had zero choice in my reality. Have zero choice. If I did, this would certainly not be the version of life I would ever choose. I would never have chosen to watch my young child suffer a horrible disease, one that ultimately took his life. I would never choose to walk this earth everyday forward without my child. I would never choose grief, pain and suffering. I would never choose this version of my life. I would never choose this reality.

I had zero choice. This is my reality. It was forced upon me. What choice did I have in any of it? What choice do I have now? What is the alternative? To give up? What would giving up even look like to you? Because the truth is I have given up. I gave up control. I gave up my idea of our family. I gave up my idea of our future. I gave up my dreams. I gave up my idea of hope. I gave up my idea of a miracle. Of a cure. I gave up on my child living. I gave up everything I desired in my life. I gave up my life. I GAVE UP. I am weak, and I gave it all up. UP. I gave it UP.

I gave it all up to God. I gave him the control. I gave him my family. My child. My future. My hope. My trust. My faith. I gave it all up. I gave Him my life. I said, “It is Yours.” I can not, but You can. You, God, take it from me. I give up. I gave up.

Recently, I have been watching Private Practice on a streaming app. And one episode, one moment in the episode, caused me pause. A statement in the episode so perfectly explained strength. One character said to another, “Where did you find the strength?” The other replied, “We’re women, honey. The strength finds us.” The strength finds us.

Strength found me. I am not strong. The strength found me. God’s strength found me. There is no other explanation. Period. I am so weak. But the strength of God fills my soul. This “strong mom” I am so often labeled as is a lie. The truth, I am strong because of God. His strength finds me. The truth, I am strong in my faith in God. I am strong in God. I gave up. And he picked me up. He filled me up. He became my strength.

It is not my strength you see. It is all God. He promised me on October 21st, 2016 in the PICU room on the 6th floor of Phoenix Children’s Hospital, that He would never leave me. Two days into my son’s diagnosis, as my child was recovering from brain surgery, He promised me. He promised me that this was His fight, is His fight. That he would carry me if I let him. And I said to Him to carry me. That I can not do this on my own. That I am too weak. Carry me. Carry me. Carry me.

This “strong mom” you see is no different from you. I am no stronger than you. I have just been held to the fire in my faith. Put in the lion’s den. I have been forced to step out of the boat in faith. I am trusting God. Trusting He will hold me up, carry me, and give me the strength to live through today, tomorrow and the next day. Faith that God’s strength finds me every minute of every day.

I lean into His strength, His promises. Trusting and knowing His promises. The promise of an eternity in heaven. The promise He will never leave me. The promise my battle is His battle. The promise He will carry me, and never let me fall. No matter my pain, my suffering. I can lean into His truth. Rely on His strength. I am strong because my God gives me His strength. The strength to live today and to see tomorrow. I am weak. I am not strong on my own. I am strong because my God is strong. I am filled with His strength. My God is strong. I am weak.

Written by Kristen Puma

Psalm 59:16 NIV : "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble."

366 Books Day 20 - I am Martin Luther King Jr

I am Martin Luther King Jr by Brad Meltzer

Today, we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. I want to honor his life in the book for today. Because his life changed our world. It changed the way we see the world. His vision is one that we need to remember even now, decades later. This book depicts the life of Martin Luther King Jr. This is a wonderful simple and concise book to share his voice.

"Then my mother taught me one of the most important lessons of all.
You are as good as anyone.
You must never feel that you are less than anyone else."

YouTube reading of I am Martin Luther King Jr

Age : 5 - 8 
Grade : K - 3

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 19 - The Name Jar

The Name Jar by Yangsook Choi

This story is about a little girl who is starting at a new school. Whose name is very different and hard to pronounce. She decided she wanted to change her name to something different, but did not know what name to pick. This book encourages acceptance and friendship. Also talks about some of the cultural diversity that we have within our world. Another wonderful book about inclusion.

YouTube reading of The Name Jar

Age : 3 - 8 
Grade : P - 3
Guided Reading Level : N

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 18 - The Invisible Boy

The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig

I think we can all feel invisible at different times in our lives. Brian feels just that way. Like he is never seen. Always skipped over when picking teams at recess or hardly noticed at lunch time. He is left out of the conversations, and no one seems to notice. The illustrations of this book are magical and brilliant. As things change, Brian changes in the drawings. This book should be added to any elementary classroom, as a way to discuss bullying, inclusion of others, and kindness. It is a simple story that is easy to follow, but is certainly contains a big conversation starter about including others.

YouTube reading of The Invisible Boy

Age : 6 - 9 
Grade : 1 - 4
Guided Reading Level : N

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 17 - Last Stop on Market Street

Last Stop on Market Street by Matt de la Peña
Última parada de la calle Market  by Matt de la Peña

The Last Stop on Market Street is a New York Bestseller. It was the winner of the 2016 Newbery Medal, a 2016 Caldecott Honor Book and a 2016 Coretta Scott King Illustrator Honor Book. This book opens the world of a different view. It is a beautifully told inclusive story. The story travels through CJ and his grandmother's Sunday afternoon. CJ asks why they have to take the bus, and why they do not have a car? Why they always have to go somewhere after church? As the story unfolds, the grandmother has a way of sharing the beauty of the world around them. Making the dull routine exciting again. This is also a great book to introduce the idea of volunteering with your child as well. 

YouTube reading of Last Stop on Market Street

Age : 3 - 5
Grade : P - K
Guided Reading Level : M

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

On the night you were born - Sammy's Birth Story

On the night of January 15, 2012, I convinced Charles to spend the evening out with a friend of mine celebrating her husband's birthday. My friend and I had joked early in the evening that the Mexican might put the fire under little man to get him moving. I still thought he would be late, and even joked I would be at bible study on Thursday. As I was still having no signs of him making his debut.

Boy was I wrong.

At 5am on January 16, 2012, I woke to the strangest sensation and ran to the bathroom. I peeked out of the bathroom and told Charles, "Either I have lost all ability to control myself and peed myself, or my water just broke." I made a quick call to my OB office and was told by the nurse on-call to head to Labor and Delivery at the hospital. So we gather the belonging I had finally gotten ready only days before, and we were off to the hospital. I waddled into the hospital and got checked in. I was directed into a temporary room to get checked out before being admitted. Sure enough, my water had broke. However, I was only 1 cm dilated. It was going to be a long day.

Around 7am, we got settled into our labor and delivery room. The nurses hook me up and start me on pitocin to help the labor process. It was slow going. My contractions were moderate, but my back pain soon became very uncomfortable. I tried various positions to help relieve the pain, but had no luck.

By 2pm, I caved to the pain and asked for an epidural. I knew it was still early on. I was not sure how far along I had progressed since the morning, but knew I still had a ways to go. They set me up for the epidural, and finally has some relief. The doctor came to check me again to see the progress, but I was only at 3cm! I was just not progressing well.

I was checked again about 5pm and had progressed to 4-5cm. The nurse commented that things would progress quicker now, as I was now considered in active labor. Normally this is the point where they admit patients. As for me, I was feeling great. The epidural was working wonderfully. I was able to get some rest after a long morning.

At 8:30pm I was checked again, I was 8cm! I was getting closer and was finally making some good progress.

I was finally just about 10cm at 10:10pm. However, Sammy was still high up and had not worked his way down the birth canal. So the nurse decided to try and have me do some pushes during contractions (since i could feel them) to see if we could get him to come down. She was very pleased with the first round of pushing, so we continued for couple more contractions. About 5 rounds of contractions total, when she decided it was time to call for the doctor. Sammy was on his way to making his debut. While we waited, she was going to have me do one more round of pushing, but when I pushed she told me to stop and not to push anymore or he would come. Oh was that hard to hold off on my natural desire to push. He was ready, but they were not. Once the doctor arrived and all was prepped, the doctor had me push. One push and Sammy was halfway out. But the cord was wrapped around his neck, so the doctor cut the cord instead of Charles. Then one more push with the next contraction and Sammy was born. 

At 10:38pm, Samuel "Sammy" Puma arrived, my little man was born. 6lbs 13ozs, 20 inches long and absolutely perfect! My arms were now full with my son.

Sammy changed my life forever. Forever making me a mother. And him my child, always and forever. Though I had no idea on this day in 2012 where our life would take us. That his life would end at 6 years old. That one day I would hold him in my arms as he died. That I would live my life carrying his memory, holding him forever in my heart. This day changed me. For good. I would not change any of it. I would do it all again for the moments I had with my child. Sammy is deeply loved, and forever cherished. Sammy will and always be my child, my son. Forever and always.

366 Books Day 16 - The Invisible String - For Sammy

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

When I began this 366 Day Book Drive, I shared I wanted to take the opportunity this year to share books that are special to some special families. Families of those who have a child with a complex medical diagnosis. Families who would most likely be impacted by book donations to a local children's hospital. While our book drive currently collects for books to be given to the book nook area of the cancer clinic at Phoenix Children's Hospital. I have very big dreams for our book drive. The importance of giving an adventure through opening a book is immeasurable. And all children deserve the simple gift of an adventure. Throughout this year, I will be sharing these special books, but also telling you that family's story. About their child. Creating a space for awareness for families, while sharing our love of books. I hope you will enjoy joining us in meeting these children & their families, and of course reading about all their favorite books.

Today is the perfect day to kick off our Share Our Story posts with our own son Sammy. Samuel "Sammy" Puma. Born today 8 years ago. January 16, 2012. Sammy was our first child we held in our arms. Sammy was always special. He had a way about him that drew people near to him, from his very beginnings. When Sammy was 3 years old, he was diagnosed with autism. This was after a couple years of speech therapy and realizing the concerns went beyond his communication skills. So just after his 3rd birthday, we started the therapy routine with ABA (an autism therapy). It was intense. It was a full time job. But he conquered every skill and task put in front of him. He continuously surprised us. We soon learned that no one could put limits or expectations on Sammy, because he would prove you were wrong. He would surpass whatever the goal. Our therapist could barely keep up with writing new goals and changing his care plan. Definitely not a bad thing. It meant that therapy was working. That he was thriving. And that is all we dreamed of for our child. For him to thrive. To be confident. To be independent (whatever that may look like for him). To know he was capable of almost anything.

Then in October 2016, at 4 years old, Sammy walked into the ER and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Everything changed. Our lives changed forever. Forever impacted by cancer. Sammy endured horrors for months. He went through a brain surgery, that left him a fraction of who he was days prior. He lost almost all of his abilities. Days after the surgery he was unable to talk, to sit up, to move his eyes, to turn his head, control any of his limbs, eat, swallow. Nothing. After weeks and months of therapy, he eventually regained some of his abilities. But never was the child that walked into the ER again. Sammy endured high dose chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant. He endured months of being inpatient. Never leaving the four walls of his room. It was 6 months before he felt fresh air again on a walk to get a hearing test done, which was not successful. But he got to go outside. It was nearly 9 months later that Sammy was finally released from the hospital, and he got to come home. 246 days. That is how long he lived in a hospital room.

Sammy came home in a wheelchair, with a feeding tube, and needing hearing aides. His life was forever impacted by brain cancer. We slowly adjusted back into normal home life. Making the changes needed to our home, our vehicles, our lives to adjust to caring for a child who could no longer walk. A child who need round the clock care.

September 1, 2017. Ten weeks after we returned home with Sammy, we found ourselves back at the ER. 11 months from his initial diagnosis. Sammy was diagnosed as terminal. No treatment plan available to give us a cure. Just time. The next several months were a fog. A fog of palliative treatment to help give us time and Sammy quality to what life he had left to live.  A fog of making the most of the time we had left. Making all the memories we could as a family. Knowing our time was limited. We were on borrowed time. Our son at 5 years old was diagnosed as terminal. We celebrated our last holidays with Sammy. We celebrated his 6th birthday. His last birthday on this earth. We celebrated Easter. And then we took him to hospice to die. On April 12, 2018, at 6 years old, Sammy died in my arms (mom's arms).

Our son deserved a chance at the future we had fought so hard to prepare for him. The future he was striving towards. The life we hoped for him. One where he was confident, independent and thriving, despite. One where he proved the world wrong about labels. All that was stolen from him. From us. Childhood cancer is not a priority in our world. Our son was treated with 40 year old drugs, and hoping the odds would be in our favor. Our child deserved more. He deserved better. Today my child should be turning 8 years old. But instead he is forever 6.

This is Sammy. This is just a part of his story, our story. You can learn more about his story, right here at adventuresofsupersammy.com, on our facebook page Adventures of Super Sammy or on instagram @adventures_of_super_sammy.

The book The Invisible String was chosen to be shared for Sammy. To honor Sammy on his birthday. The first time this book entered our home was in May of 2016. I was looking for books to help Sammy through the time that daddy would be away for basic training with the military. A book to bring comfort and understanding about how even being far, daddy still loved him and he could still love daddy. And they both could know. We read this book a lot from May until when Sammy entered the hospital. Then we read it some more. Because Sammy was isolated from family, friends, his brother. We read it to Logan (Sammy's little brother) to let him know that Sammy still was there, despite not being present. Then we read it even more in the final months of Sammy's life. We had a stack of books that we read often, and this book would float to the top often. And then this was the book we chose to have read at Sammy's celebration of life service. A way to open the conversation for all the children to know that Sammy is not far. That there is an invisible string that can reach Sammy, all the way in heaven. Now we continue to read this book with Logan, as a reminder that we are never far. That Sammy feels us, and we feel him. Our book is well worn and well loved. This is the book chosen to share Sammy's story. This book is for Sammy. 

This book is a wonderful tool for a child that is dealing with separation. Whether going to school for the first time, or parent has to travel for a bit, or a loved one has died. It helps to open the conversation that love keeps us forever and always connected to one another. The invisible strings that keep us connected no matter how far. This book is easy to read and understand. 

"Mom held something right in front of them and said, 'This is how.' Rubbing their sleepy eyes, the twins came closer to see what Mom was holding, 'I was about your age when my Mommy first told me about the INVISIBLE STRING.'" 

Reading of The Invisible String at Sammy's Celebration of Life

Age : 4 - 8
Grade : P - 2

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive



  

the day before your 8th birthday

Sammy,

Tomorrow you would be 8 years old. A birthday on earth would be so much easier and simple. But instead you are celebrating your second birthday in heaven, with 6 on earth. Grief math. You do not age beyond 6 years 2 months and 28 days. Every day further is a day you are in heaven. No wishes to blow out. No party to prepare. No friends to invite. No presents to unwrap. Just memories. Memories is all we have. The best birthdays behind us. Every birthday is behind us. We can not document as you grow. As you add another year to your life. I have no idea if your best friend would have changed with entering school? No idea what clothing you would prefer to wear? How you would want your hair styled? What tv show would be your automatic watch? Or what music would be you jam? No idea if you would be walking yet? Or back in martial arts? No idea if you'd be writing your name or using a keyboard? Would you still beg for your 3 books at night? Or would you be reading them to me? Everything about 8 is a mystery. Just as year 7 was all a mystery. I can dream of who you would have been. But dreaming is nothing compared to having you here. And that is impossible. You are forever 6 years 2 months and 28 days old. Your last birthday in our arms was January 16, 2018. So how do we celebrate you? A child who never ages? Who is not here? But our child in heaven?

We find ways to create space to honor your memory. For this year we are asking big. And it is for a lifetime impact on ONE family who will also endure a lifetime of heaven birthdays for their child. A child you will one day meet and welcome into heaven. I'm asking HUGE for your birthday, Sammy. And it seems impossible. About as impossible as living through tomorrow, another birthday without you here. It feels like we are being forgotten. You are being forgotten. That sharing your memory, sharing you is too much these days. That we are old news. You are no longer important. But you are important. You are forever loved. Forever cherished. Forever ours. We love you as deep as the ocean and as high as the stars. 6 was not enough, but it will have to do. Happy birthday sweet boy.

Love your Mom
Always and Forever

It feels like we are asking too much. I've actually been told I'm asking too much. But is it too much? If you were in our shoes? If this check for $10,000 was going to your family because your child died? Would our ask be too big? Our family never received this type of financial help, but we could have absolutely used it. It would have helped our family in so many ways. And we hope to honor another forever FAMily through this gift for Sammy's 8th birthday.

Will you help us celebrate our son? Can you donate $8 for his 8th birthday? Or $20 for 2020. Or $6 for forever 6. Or give big if you are able? Can you share? Tag your friends and family? Can you help make $10,000 happen for his birthday?

Sammy's 8th Birthday Fundraiser for FAM - Fighting All Monsters

366 Books Day 15 - The Big Umbrella

The Big Umbrella by Amy June Bates & Juniper Bates

The Big Umbrella is a unique story about inclusion and kindness. It takes you on the adventure of a rainy day. And how the simple act of using an umbrella can be a way to welcome others. This is a great book for any classroom or home. A wonderful book to introduce the topic and discussion of both inclusion and kindness.

"It is a big, friendly umbrella.
It likes to help.
It likes to spread its arms wide."

YouTube reading of The Big Umbrella

Age : 4 - 8
Grade : P - 3

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 14 - Strictly No Elephants

Strictly No Elephants by Lisa Mantchev & Taeeun Yoo

A simple story of inclusion and friendship. How friends are to one another. And the most basic kindness, all are welcome. We love this book in our home, it has been well read and well loved. As it shows no matter our differences, we all just want to be included. It is more fun when we invite others to join us. And it is not kind to leave other out.

"He does't like the cracks in the sidewalk much. I always go back and help him over. That's what friends do: lift each other over the cracks."

YouTube reading of Strictly No Elephants

Age : 4 - 8
Grade : P - 3
Guided Reading Level : J

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Book Day 13 - Never Let A Unicorn Scribble

Never Let A Unicorn Scribble by Diane Alber

Why should we never let a unicorn scribble? Well, this little girl just had to find out why. This story takes you on an beautifully illustrated adventure about trying something and finding out what happens when you try. At first it may seem like a disaster, but just maybe the outcome will be something magical. Maybe even as magical as a unicorn?

"I thought if I gave her just ONE crayon, what could go wrong? Well...I'll tell ya...SHE ATE IT!"

YouTube reading of Never Let A Unicorn Scribble

Age : 3 - 7
Grade : P - 3

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 12 - The Book with No Pictures

The Book with No Pictures by BJ Novak

This picture-less book is a full of wordplay and imagination. It will get any child laughing and giggling with glee. It may seem like a poor choice at first, but quickly your child will become extremely engaged in this book. And will likely grab this book often from your self. Parents teachers, caregivers, be warned. You will read some utterly ridiculous things while reading this book.

"Here is how books works: Everything the words say, the person reading the book has to say. No matter what."

YouTube reading of The Book with No Pictures

Age : 3 - 8
Grade : P - 3
Guided Reading Level : MN

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 11 - I Am Enough

I Am Enough by Grace Byers

There is so much power and strength behind the lyrical poetry that makes up the pages of this book. It gives statements to stand upon, to draw strength and identity. It talks of accepting and respecting others. This book also features illustrations of children of all abilities, and children with many differences. It is wonderful to see a book that highlights the fact that we are all different. This book will be added to our collection. And shared often with our surviving son. Because he is enough, just as he is now. And so are you.

"I know that I may sometimes cry,
but even then, I am here to try.
I am not meant to be like you;
you're not meant to be like me."

YouTube reading of I Am Enough

Age : 4 - 8
Grade : PreK - 3

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 10 - Jabari Jumps

Jabari Jumps by Gaia Cornwall

Jabari is ready. Or so he thinks. Ready for the diving board. This book takes you on an adventure of overcoming fears. Taking the moment to process the fear, then going for it. Jabari learns to conquer the diving board. Will he jump? Will he like it? Open this book to find out more about Jabari's adventure.

"'It's okay to feel a little scared,' said his dad. 'Sometimes, if I feel a little scared, I take a deep breath and tell myself I am ready. And you know what? Sometimes it stops feeling scary and feels a little like a surprise.'"

YouTube reading of Jabari Jumps

Age : 4 - 8
Grade : PreK - 3
Guided Reading Level : J

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 9 - A Stone Sat Still

A Stone Sat Still by Brendan Wenzel

Day 9/366

The impact of a rock in the world around it. Who that rock is to everyone who visits, what that rock is in the space. This book opens up an adventure into a space of exploration of size, color, shape, and all the senses involved. Also takes a look at the passage of time. The illustrations are a beautiful combination of various mediums. This book has a wonderful rhythmic narrative. Very enjoyable and easy to read.

YouTube reading of A Stone Sat Still

Age : 3-7
Grade : PreK - 2

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 8 - Hello Lighthouse

Hello Lighthouse by Sophie Blackall

Day 8/366

This book is the 2019 winner of the Caldecott Metal. It walks you through the life of the lighthouse and the lighthouse keeper. I know that Sammy would have loved this book. We toured several lighthouses with him in our travels, as he loved the ocean. Even when he could not walk, we carried him to the top of the towers, if we were allowed, so he could see out over the land and sea. This book takes you back into time and into beauty. They illustrations in the book are breathtaking and add so much to the telling of this book.

"The sky grows dark, and the waves rise and crash. HELLO! HELLO! HELLO!"

YouTube reading of Hello Lighthouse

Ages : 3 - 8
Grades : P - 3
Guided Reading Level : P

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - just notate Book Drive

Weight of Grief

This is what childhood cancer and grief looks like. This is over 3/4 of a year of being in a hospital room. Nearly 9 of those months consecutive. This was giving up on eating right because it was hard and repetitive with the choices. And I wanted comfort food. I sat for long hours, would walk the hospital when Sammy slept and a nurse would stay with him. But the combination of high stress, eating poorly and being minimally active took its toll. I gained 40lbs in 9 months.

And then gained more in the death of Sammy. I didn't eat, but when I did, it was out. I had no capacity to cook. We were given meals for a short time. A lot of pasta. A lot of comfort foods. We started with asking for our dietary needs, but found it was hard for people sign up, as they had no idea how to make a gluten free, dairy free meals. So we removed the restrictions of the lifestyle we once followed. And the weight just added on.

In April 2016, I was at 140lbs. I was working on getting down to 135lbs. Working to get the baby weight off from Logan being born April 2015. I was eating right. I was active. I would hike often, go on walks, just find ways to move.

Here I am now. 3.5 years later. Nearly 175lbs. I lost the extra 20lbs I gained in grief. My high by end of 2018 was 195lbs. So here I am with an extra 40lbs.

My clothes do not fit. I wear men's large shirts, and leggings. As leggings fit. But my leggings are wearing out after 3 years of wearing them. And I want to buy clothes I feel confident in. Not at a size 16. I want my size 8/10 back. I want my 32 inch waist back.

But grief is a weight. Having the motivation to work out. The motivation to cook. Some days I just do not have it in me. Some days I just want to stay under the covers all day. I want to eat chips and only chips. We have food in our pantry, we haven't in years. Frozen pizzas, boxed foods, frozen meals. I used to cook everyday. Our pantry with minimal foods as we used fresh foods. But grief changed that. We eat out too much. Because it is easier than cooking. Than meal planning. Than grocery shopping. Grief has changed the way I function.

This year I am fighting grief. Taking my life back.

FAM - Fighting All Monsters has created an accountability group for parents of medically complex kids to strive for a healthy lifestyle, despite our complicated lives. This is one of the ways FAM fights for families. Recognized that many of us have struggled in the diagnosis and after of our kids complex life, and created a way to support us. To challenge us. I am taking that challenge. To be healthier and more active starting now.

We are hosting a fundraiser for FAM for Sammy's 8th birthday. Our goal is to raise what FAM gives a family suffering the death of thier child. Their hospice/child loss grant. $10,000. We were not supported in a big way after Sammy died. So we know how needed this grant is for families. Our stress was high and added financial stress did not help. To ease the financial burden allows families to work through the stress of just grieving.

Would you help our family give back, support a family suffering the pending death of their child? Donate even just $1 to FAM in honor of Sammy. Click this link to help!
Sammy's fundraiser for Fighting All Monsters

366 Books Day 7 - Press Here

Press Here by Herve Tullet
Presiona aqui by Herve Tullet

Day 7/366

If you are looking for a fun silly interactive book. This is a great book to jump into that adventure. This book has been a favorite in our collection for a long time. As it is just full of interactive imagination. It will keep you on your toes as you interact and turn the paged. This was a great book for us to use during therapy with Sammy, as we working on him regaining his fine motor skills. It is fun with Logan now, as we talk about the colors, how many dots, how they change. It is fun to see what his imagination picks out and him to share each pages surprise.

YouTube trailer of Press Here

Age : 2 - 5
Grade : PreK - K

Both English and Spanish translations of this book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List : 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 6 - The Black Book of Colors

The Black Book of Colors by Menera Cottin

Day 6/366

A colorless book about colors. It is beautiful. It takes our world and explains colors in a way with the other senses. To see the way someone without sight may encounter our world. Interpret our world. To touch colors, smell them, taste them, hear them. What are colors when you can not see them? This book takes an adventure into the life of a child exploring our world of color, where everything appears black. It is a beautiful book that opens that conversation to being inclusive and having understanding of someone else's perspective.

"Thomas says that yellow tastes like mustard, but is as soft as a baby chick's feathers."

YouTube reading of The Black Book of Colors

Age : 3 - 8
Grade : P - 2
Guided Reading Level : L

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - Please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 5 - One

One by Kathryn Otoshi

Day 5/366

One is a simply illustrated book done beautifully with watercolors. The story focuses on feelings and bullying. It helps to teach about accepting each other's difference. And that it just takes one to voice to stand up and make everyone count. It is a playful story using colors, numbers, and various feelings. This book has a beautiful take away in being inclusive.

"One turned to the colors and said,
'If someone is mean and picks on me,
I, for One, stand up, and say, No.'
...
Sometimes it just takes One."

YouTube reading of One 

Grades : PreK - 1
Ages : 3 - 8

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - just notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 4 - The Heart and the Bottle

The Heart and the Bottle by Oliver Jeffers

Day 4/366

I have hunted for books to help Logan through his grief. And process our loss. In all my time of hunting, I only just found this book in creating this list. Jeffers takes you on an adventure of a little girl who has experienced loss. The empty chair. And to protect herself from grief, she put her heart in a bottle. Instead of allowing the emotions of processing the grief, she became focused only on what was missing. By locking up her loss, she locks away the delight of each day. It is not until she is much older that she realizes what she is missing. A wonderful book on the realities of grief, and the truth of moving through it, verse hiding from it.

We will donate the copies of this book to be given to fellow bereaved families with surviving children. As this books will be a wonderful addition to help explain loss and grief to a child in the most simple of ways.

"She took delight in finding new things. Until the day she found an empty chair. Feeling unsure the girl thought the best thing was to put her heart in a safe place. Just for the time being, so she put it in a bottle and hung it around her neck. And that seemed to fix things at first."

YouTube reading of The Heart and the Bottle

Grades : PreK - 3
Ages : 4 - 8

This book can be purchased for donation from our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 3 - Now

Now by Antoinette Portis

Day 3/366

To live in the now. This book views life from a child's perspective. Giving child-like observations to the now of life. Enjoying each moment as it comes, for what it is. And making it the best. A gentle reminder about being present, living in the now, being grateful for the moment.

"This is my favorite tree. . .because it's the one where I'm swinging."

YouTube reading of Now

Grades : PreK - 1
Ages 3-6

This book can be found on our Wish List: 336 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - please notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 2 - Life Doesn't Frighten Me

Life Doesn't Frighten Me by Maya Angelou, Illustrated by Jean-Michel Basquiat

Day 2/366

Why should we fear the unknown of life? This book takes a look at the things that may scare us. Uncertain situations. But also reminds us of the power in faith in ourselves. The powerful words of this poem, paired with the childlike art of Basquiat makes for a book full of courage and imagination.
"Life Doesn't Frighten Me is a poem for all the children who find courage to continue with their live, although they are scared to death."

"I go boo
Make them shoo
I make fun
Way they run
I won't cry
So they fly
I just smile
They go wild

Life doesn't frighten me at all."

YouTube reading of Life Doesn't Frighten Me

Grades : PreK - 3
Ages 3+
Guided Reading Level : NP

This book can be found on our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - just notate Book Drive

366 Books Day 1 - I Wish You More

I Wish You More by Amy Krouse Rosenthal
Te deseo mas by Amy Krouse Rosenthal

Day 1/366

I wish you more, as you enter this new year. I believe we all have hopes and dreams for the ones we love. We wish them world if it were possible. This book is whimsical and takes the reader into an adventure of wishes.

"I wish you more give than take."

Will you join me in giving more this year?

YouTube reading of I Wish You More

Grades : PreK - 1
Ages 3-6.
Guided Reading Level : I

English Translation can also be found on our Wish List: 366 Days of Books Wish List

Please ship all books to :
Forever Got Your Six : Sammy
1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338
Buckeye, AZ 85326

Paypal link : Paypal.me/pumafamily - just notate Book Drive

A Note to Share

Well a dear friend of mine, Kathy Ellen Davis, created a note for us to give you. A note to use if you are using your donation as a gift for someone else. A way to share about the Go Gold Book Drive and why your gift is important. Kathy Ellen Davis blew me away when she messaged me her idea and the beginning process of this little card. It is absolutely perfect. I am so grateful for what she has created. The perfect note to give.
She has created 2 version of the card. One for someone who made multiple book donation as a gift, and one for a single book.
All you need to do is print it out. Cut along the dotted lines, and fold. Fill out spot on cover with your name & a personal note on back. And give to someone you love as a gift. Her design also leaves a strip as a book mark! Hope you enjoy this card, as much as us. The perfect little gift to give.
Below is the links to access the cards.Single Book Donation card: https://bit.ly/38uXsT3Multiple Book Donation card: https://bit.ly/2t4MXFD

You can follow Kathy Ellen on Instagram @greatmailday.Also check out her book, Ta-Da! 

2020 Go Gold Book Drive

Welcome to 2020. The year of perfect vision. If only that were true on all fronts. But I want to share my vision for 2020 with you. And hope you will join our family in our 2020 Go Gold Book Drive.

Every day of 2020, I will be sharing 1 book. And will be adding it to our 2020 Vision Book Wish List, with the request for 6 copies. I will add both the English and Spanish translations of the book, if possible. 366 different children’s books to be collected for children fighting cancer in Arizona. Each book a new adventure just waiting to be opened and explored. I am excited to share so many books with you this year. And hope you will follow along.

On some very special days of 2020. I will share books recommended by special children/families. This year I envision supporting other families. I want to share about families and children who are overcoming the hardest medical diagnoses. Children who are now thriving despite all they have endured. I want to share the memory of children who fought valiantly, but no longer by our sides. I want to share their lives with you, through the love of books.

I look forward to taking you on this book journey in 2020. And excited to share about other book drives we will be hosting this year too! Follow along with our adventure in books on both Facebook and Instagram.
Facebook Group : Go Gold Book Drive Instagram : gogoldbookdrive Amazon Wish List : 366 Days of Books Amazon Wish List : Go Gold Book Drive for Sammy We accept any NEW books for donation. They can be shipped to our mail box. Forever Got Your Six : Sammy 1300 S Watson Rd A114 PMB338 Buckeye, AZ 85326 If you would prefer, here is our link to our PayPal. Please just notate Book Drive, so the fund get used for books. PayPal Link
Day 1 - I Wish You More Day 2 - Life Does't Frighten Me Day 3 - Now
Day 4 - The Heart and the Bottle Day 5 - One Day 6 - The Black Book of Colors Day 7 - Press Here Day 8 - Hello Lighthouse Day 9 - A Stone Sat Still Day 10 - Jabari Jumps Day 11 - I Am Enough Day 12 - The Book with No Pictures Day 13 - Never Let A Unicorn Scribble Day 14 - Strictly No Elephants Day 15 - The Big Umbrella Day 16 - The Invisible String - For Sammy Day 17 - Last Stop on Market Street Day 18 - The Invisible Boy Day 19 - The Name Jar

Grief with the New Year

The idea of another year without Sammy in it feels daunting. But time is a constant. It does not slow down. There is no pause button. It just keeps going. While I feel frozen in time. Trying to hold onto the past. A past that holds my son. While trying to live in the here and now, and look forward to the future. I feel pulled in two. Every minute forward, is a minute further from the moments with my son. The moment I held him. The moment I last heard his voice. The moment I felt his warm breath. Or felt a kiss from his lips. Every moment forward divides us farther. And it is terrifying.

The idea that my son only lives in memories. In photos. In videos. In the stories we tell. Is unspeakable. And every year forward, is one more year his brother grows, but he does not. And soon the little brother will out age the big brother. How does that work? And in that time we will tick towards a moment when our son has been gone from this earth, longer than he existed. And that moment weighs on me. It seems far enough off. But time keeps moving forward.

The ringing in of the new year, puts this burden on my soul. My child should be here. But he is not. And I have to keep looking forward, despite my pull to the past. It is overwhelming. And heartbreaking.

As we look forward to the new year, I just see all the time and space my child should exist. All the dreams we had for him, that went unfulfilled. An entire life, year by year, of missed moments. Watching his peers continue to age, while he stays forever frozen in time. The new year is complicated for the bereaved. I want to stay back, but time pushes me forward. A hostage to time.

#forevergotyoursix #hopeforsupersammy #childhoodcancer #childloss #grief #forever6