Tuesday, January 7, 2020

Weight of Grief

This is what childhood cancer and grief looks like. This is over 3/4 of a year of being in a hospital room. Nearly 9 of those months consecutive. This was giving up on eating right because it was hard and repetitive with the choices. And I wanted comfort food. I sat for long hours, would walk the hospital when Sammy slept and a nurse would stay with him. But the combination of high stress, eating poorly and being minimally active took its toll. I gained 40lbs in 9 months.

And then gained more in the death of Sammy. I didn't eat, but when I did, it was out. I had no capacity to cook. We were given meals for a short time. A lot of pasta. A lot of comfort foods. We started with asking for our dietary needs, but found it was hard for people sign up, as they had no idea how to make a gluten free, dairy free meals. So we removed the restrictions of the lifestyle we once followed. And the weight just added on.

In April 2016, I was at 140lbs. I was working on getting down to 135lbs. Working to get the baby weight off from Logan being born April 2015. I was eating right. I was active. I would hike often, go on walks, just find ways to move.

Here I am now. 3.5 years later. Nearly 175lbs. I lost the extra 20lbs I gained in grief. My high by end of 2018 was 195lbs. So here I am with an extra 40lbs.

My clothes do not fit. I wear men's large shirts, and leggings. As leggings fit. But my leggings are wearing out after 3 years of wearing them. And I want to buy clothes I feel confident in. Not at a size 16. I want my size 8/10 back. I want my 32 inch waist back.

But grief is a weight. Having the motivation to work out. The motivation to cook. Some days I just do not have it in me. Some days I just want to stay under the covers all day. I want to eat chips and only chips. We have food in our pantry, we haven't in years. Frozen pizzas, boxed foods, frozen meals. I used to cook everyday. Our pantry with minimal foods as we used fresh foods. But grief changed that. We eat out too much. Because it is easier than cooking. Than meal planning. Than grocery shopping. Grief has changed the way I function.

This year I am fighting grief. Taking my life back.

FAM - Fighting All Monsters has created an accountability group for parents of medically complex kids to strive for a healthy lifestyle, despite our complicated lives. This is one of the ways FAM fights for families. Recognized that many of us have struggled in the diagnosis and after of our kids complex life, and created a way to support us. To challenge us. I am taking that challenge. To be healthier and more active starting now.

We are hosting a fundraiser for FAM for Sammy's 8th birthday. Our goal is to raise what FAM gives a family suffering the death of thier child. Their hospice/child loss grant. $10,000. We were not supported in a big way after Sammy died. So we know how needed this grant is for families. Our stress was high and added financial stress did not help. To ease the financial burden allows families to work through the stress of just grieving.

Would you help our family give back, support a family suffering the pending death of their child? Donate even just $1 to FAM in honor of Sammy. Click this link to help!
Sammy's fundraiser for Fighting All Monsters

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